blah

my tattoo went well. it was kind of intense but i'm glad its over. there were some places that hurt more than others but the artist was amazing. he did such a good job, and he made me feel comfortable. now that its starting to heal i can see the old tattoo that it covered up. he said i would have to come back for touch ups so its totally covered. now that i know i can  sit for 3 hours i have a lot more work i want to get done. but only once i make it to goal weight. i'm afriad i'm going to have a bad weigh in this week. i wasn't able to exercise because of the tattoo and then i ended up getting sick. i'm not sure if it was my body healing from the tattoo or my allergies but i havent felt this bad in a long time.  i didnt track for a few days, i didnt eat a bunch of junk mostly soup and sushi but i didnt track. thats the first i have not tracked since i started weight watchers. i may just opt out of the weigh in this week and just stay for the meeting.

i havent been knitting either. i have a bunch of half finished projects but no desire to finish them. i finally started the clapotis and koolhaas. koolhaas has taken longer than i thought, the cable rows are slowing me down.

ink

i'm getting some new ink. i dont really have the money to be spending but i've put it off for way too long. i'm getting something covered up on my lower back. its old, ugly, trampy, and faded. almost exactly how i feel about myself lately, minus the trampy. i havent told anyone. i'm not sure why, i just havent. hopefully this will not be too bad of an experience. the guy gave me a time slot of 3 hours. plus i have to go straight to work after that. not sure how well work will go with fresh ink on my skin. it tends to get hot and i bend over a lot. i have a feeling this cover up will be a bit large and hard to hide. went to riteaid today and bought all the tattoo after care essentials: unscented lotion, a&d ointment and most importantly dial soap (gold). i'm prepared but very nervous. 3 hours seems like a long time to have some needles carving your skin. i just hope i dont start crying on the guy. wish me luck.

i cry

i cry because i dont know what to do.

i cry because i am scared.

i cry because i miss you.

i cry because here i am all alone.

i cry because some days it just hurts too much.

i cry because i dont have the energy to do anything else.

i cry because i love you.

i cry because you push me away.

i cry because i haven't cried in years and it's finally caught up with me.

i wish i had the words

the words are there i just dont know how to bring them out. everytime i think about what i want to say i question if its the right thing to do.  what will you say? will there be silence? will you laugh in my face?

 do you feel the same way? i think you do. but its too soon to be bearing our souls. all i know is i never click with someone like that. i know we've been apart for a long time and we are different people now but chemistry is chemistry. you ask me what i'm thinking. here is your answer: i could really fall for you.

by the way, i only knit for people i love. so i hope you wear it and think of me. i hid something in it for you, i hope you find it and realize what you mean to me.

easter weekend

i havent been going to church like i should. i probably wont go easter sunday but i am going to my cousin's house to visit with her and her kids.

hard times are coming for a lot of people. i hope everyone makes the best decisons for themselves. i am no stranger to hard times but im just not strong enough to pick up and start over again. iit was just 5 years ago( has it really been that long) that i was doing the same thing. finding a job, finding a place to live. trying to do better for myself and look where it got me. it's like i've learned nothing from the last 5 years. 5 years ago i was beated, broken, battered, used and abused. how i ever got over that i'll never know. but i did. i made it on my own then and i can make it on my own now.

now that i'm off sugar and not emotionally eating. every little thing makes me cry. i know its just an adjustment period. i never thought losing weight would force me into dealing with my problems.

emotions

i wish i had the words to tell you how i feel about you. i've been questioning if what i'm feeling is real. i havent felt this way in a long time and it scares me. happy/anxious/excited/scared all at the same time. and thats just when i think about you. you take my breath away just being next to me. my heart races when you walk in the room. i can honestly say i have only felt this way once before.  and i thought i never would again. leaving you that night was the hardest thing i've had to do in a long time. i didnt know when i would be able to see you again. if i said i didnt shed a tear pulling out of your driveway i'd be lying.

i want to sit on your porch and knit while you play your guitar.

change

change is supposed to be good right?

i havent blogged in a long time. mostly because i didnt have much to say. until now.

my relationship has gone down the tubes. i saw it coming but damn if it doesnt suck. im going to have to relocate and find a job and i just dont have the energy to do it right now

also i've joined weight watchers and lost 11 lbs so far.  taking this step and making good decisions for myself is hard.  now that i'm not emotionally eating i am having to deal with my emotions on my own with out any coping skills.  its harder than i thought it would be but its a step in the right direction.  a step i had to make.  i'm losing weight for me and no one else.  to be healthier and feel better about myself.

thats all for now.  i have a lot more on my mind just dont know how i want to get it out.  not been knitting much lately.  i started the clapotis but havent had much time with looking for a job and a place to stay.