hindsight is 2020

   

I wish I was still this girl.This picture was taken my junior year in highschool during a basketball game.  Before all the bullshit, before depression and anxiety took over, before I lost the will to live. I wish I was still this happy and full of life.  I look at this girl and weep for her future and what she could have been.  I had my whole life in front of me and just threw it all away on bad mistakes and hasty decisions. I wish I could still smile like that too.  I look at this picture and it feels like someone elses life, I dont even look like the same person. I wish I could talk to her and warn her but I know it would fall on deaf ears.

All I know is life is too short to have regrets. I wish I hadnt wasted so much time on what ifs and second guessing myself. You're only young once and I blew it. I just hope my next 30 years are better than my first 30. And that I at least learned something from being beated, broken, used and abused.

the thing you just cant say out loud

There is a thread on Ravelry in my LSG (lazy stupid and godless) group titled "what you just cant say out loud".

Mine is

Every night I stare at your name on facebook chat willing you to talk to me.

It never works.

I know posting it on here defeats the purpose but its out in the open now and I feel much better about it.

What is your thing you cant say outloud?

ch ch ch changes

Times they are a changin'.

I don't know if it's just me but people are acting weird. I have noticed that since I've started losing weight people treat me different. Men are holding doors for me, women are  smiling at me. Just the other day I was helping a customer pick out a watch for her mother. She was worried the watch wouldnt fit because her mother is "plump". I told her I could try it on for her and she said "no, you're skinny". I know I am far from goal weight but it made me feel pretty good that a total stranger didnt classify me as plump. Maybe it is my attitude that has changed. I still feel self conscious but I'm starting to feel more like my old self every day. I dont know if thats a good thing or not. We'll just have to wait and see.

Timmy

Meet Timmy the turtle

old fool

i feel like such a fool for letting you in. for letting my guard down just once. for a split second. never again.

tattoo

coverup done by Bobby at Anythings Possible Mooresville NC

pics

 malabrigo koolhaas hat

turtle dish cloth

knitting

the only good thing about being home sick for over a week is tons of time to knit. i am working on some UFOs (unfinished objects). and some projects that i have been putting off. i did finish some things for a good friend of mine. the other day i realized i've never given him a birthday or christmas present the whole time we've known each other,15 some odd years. so i'm going to give him a bunch of hand knits next time i see him, just because.

healing

healing takes a toll on your body.  it forces you to rest.  i have been forced to take time off and rest and i'm not happy about it. i'm worried and scared and restless.  doesnt help that mothers day is coming up and i still havent spoken to mine. she sent me a message on facebook when my brother told her i was pretty sick. it means a lot that shes concearned but i need her in my life. my dad can not possibly be everything to me for the rest of his life. theres just some things i cant talk to him about. i love him but he's not my mom. i did send her a mothers day card but i pretty much left it blank. i dont really know what to say. i love you isnt enough for her.

i have missed so much in my brother and sisters lives because of the rift between me and my mother. i missed graduation, both their proms, junior miss and dance recitals. i miss my family. i just feel like they dont even care about me anymore. who do you have when you have no friends and no family. no one. and i've proven i cant rely on myself just yet.

if you are reading this please pray for me. i have some decisions to make and no support.