being a woman

why is it that we are expected to deal with shit and just act like it doesnt bother us.

why is it when something bad happens, divorce, death, debt, that we are supposed to be strong.

why is it that men dish it out but can't take it.

we are not allowed to be depressed, we are not allowed to be human.

when we show any type of emotion men act like we are being cry babies or emotional. emotional is not a bad word.

Christmas Knitting

I should have started my Christmas knitting sooner but I hadn't found any patterns that I feel like my family and friends would like and use. I just finished a prayer shawl and then I got an order for a pair of slippers. She just had to have a pair for herself once she saw mine. And I do have to say they're the best felted project I've ever done. I've never sold any of my knitted items before, she's a friend from high school so I'm only going to charge her for the cost of the yarn and for shipping. I had already started on a pair of felt clogs for the boyfriend. So once I finish the clogs and the slippers I need to get on the Christmas knitting. Looks like fingerless gloves, scarves, felted slippers and felted bags are going to be my life between now and Dec 24. I'm either going to burn out on knitting or my hands are going to freak out when there isn't anything left to knit. Hopefully all this Christmas knitting will put a dent in my stash.

I'm going to be taking a lot of yarn back to Michael's that I'm not going to use. Poor Acrylic purchases that I made when I was hypnotized and got yarnitis when I started knitting again. I don't have the receipts but they do give you a store credit. They take 20% off your credit if you don't have the receipts but it's better than having all that acrylic in my house. I feel like they offend the natural fibers in my stash.

Insomnia

Insomnia. I hate it but I get so much good knitting done when I have insomnia. I knit because I can't sleep, and I can't sleep because I'm knitting. It's a blessing and a curse. This insomnia stuff is a slippery slope. I feel like its taken over. I haven't gone to knitting in weeks and i miss my friends. I need fresh air, I feel like I'm suffocating being inside all the time. I'm scared to drive when I'm tired, I don't want to run a red light or get in a wreck or fall asleep at the wheel. Along with knitting, insomnia messes with my head. I keep thinking about all the things I've done wrong and all the things I should have done instead. Why we keep fighting, why you won't call me, I should have admitted I was wrong and said I'm sorry. I have too much time to think. If I knit fast enough maybe the voices in my head will quiet. if only I could knit my problems away.

And this is why my blog is called knitting after dark. i do my best knitting after dark. I seriously doubt anyone is reading my blog but it doesn't matter. It's good to get these things out.


on a knitting note:

I'm working on a prayer / comfort shawl for a friend of a friend who's baby passed away from SIDS. I don't know this lady but my heart breaks for her. It's taken me longer than i thought. I bought 4 skeins of Baby's First by Lion Brand but 4 wasn't enough, I bought 2 more skeins and looks like those won't be enough either. I'm usually a loose knitter but I'm using the size called for on the label. So the guage is a eating what I bought. I don't at Michael's anymore since I've been going to local yarn stores. But this stuff was cheap and easy to find. The closest yarn store is 30 minutes away and they're not always open. Michael's is right down the road from my house and Baby's First was the only yarn that didn't make me want to hurl. It reminds me a lot of Berroco Comfort. Its 50% acrylic and 50% cotton. The cotton pretty much cancels out the vile acrylicness. Not squeaky at all and very few knots. I've found 2 knots in 4 skeins so far. Not bad if I say so myself. (Call me the Knot Nazi. I hate knots and death to all knots!) And when its knitted up its nice and squishy, like a big hug.

I feel very privileged to be knitting this shawl for a fellow woman in need. A lot of people don't know this but I had a miscarriage in 2006. So I feel privileged but also my heart breaks all over again. That was a hard time in my life but I can't even imagine carrying that baby, giving birth to it then 3 months later losing them for no reason. It just makes you question WHY? WHY take him? WHY break his parents hearts? he was born perfect, nothing wrong with him, loving parents and now he's just gone. Its hard for me to think of her crying all alone like all those nights I did. Also All my sleepless nights are worth it if this shawls brings her one moment of comfort.

Just pick up the phone and call me

I really wish I could talk to you, but I can't. I really wish I could say I'm sorry, but I won't. I'm not sorry for what I said, that's how I feel. But I am sorry that I hurt you and I still need you in my life. Someone told me that you're depressed, so am I. Someone told me that you cry all the time, so do I. I miss you.

The phone goes both ways.

vampires

Its no secret that I have a thing for vampires. It started back in high school when I read Interview with a Vampire by Anne Rice & watched Joss Whedon's Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I read Twilight when it came out & it was alright. But I didn't love it. Then came True Blood by Charlaine Harris. It was what I had always longed for. Great writing and great characters that you just fall in love with. And now it's a TV show. The show is good and it offers things that the book can't. Like, I can put a face to all the characters. And I get to drool over Alexander Skarsgard, the guy that plays Eric Northman, shirtless and sometimes bottomless from week to week.

I found a knitting pattern that combines my love of vampires and my love of knitting socks. It's called My Vampire Boyfriend and I found it on Knitty.com. Then came the impossible quest of finding the perfect sock yarn. It has to be red but not too red, black but not too black. I was talking to a lady at my lys and she pointed out Wildfoote color in Geranium. Now to finish my grape koolaid socks so I can cast on for these!

My Vampire Boyfriend may be the hardest socks I have ever attempted. The pattern consists of interlocking heart cables, a smaller cable on the sides with "bite mark" eyelets. I may be biting off more than I can chew because I have only knitted 4 pairs of socks in my whole knitting career.

too bored to knit

I am seriously lacking motivation to finish these socks. Not that I don't love sock and not that I don't love these socks but dang I'm just bored. Bored or depressed. Aren't those the same?

Hopefully I can get these done so I can start on my Christmas knitting. I bought the French Press Felted Slippers pattern and the Dumpling bag pattern for motivation. I haven't felted anything in a long time because everything I felted turned out looking terrible. So I'm going to try some Lamb's Pride worsted. I've never used it before but I've heard and read great things. So maybe, just maybe I will felt something that doesnt need to be shaved down until my arm hurts.

high school reunion and high school drama

I graduated high school June 3, 2000. They have just now got around to planning a 10 year reunion. We have talked about it for a long time, what we were going to do and where we were going to have it. Then all of the sudden, nothing. The people that planned it disappeared and no one heard from them for months. Then all of the sudden they are planning a reunion at a welding shop at $30 a person & no alcohol. and We have to pay in 30 days or not go. Normally I would no condone drinking at such an event but I know these people and I would most definitely need a buzz around that lot.

I committed a sin by asking why so much and what all are we paying for and got blessed out by someone I used to be OK with. (blessed out - that's a southern term). needless to say I will not be going. Also Dear Boyfriend has to work and I will not have a big and scary body guard. He is 6'1 and 250. Big scary Filipino body guard at that. I also don't know how they would react to me taking someone that's not from this country. I grew up in a very uh small and uh Caucasian town. We were also referred to as the "country" or "redneck" school.

I was rudely reminded of why I left and not a minute too soon because I was starting to miss it.

I hate dramatic people even thought I've been accused of being dramatic. I don't know what it is about me but mean people can somehow sense my weakness. Bullys tend to separate me from the herd and focus on me. Why? I don't know but I do need to work on it. I really did think that we were grown up and beyond all that nonsense but apparently not. I was nothing but nice to this person and they were hateful and spiteful anyway. I am tired of being the one people always dump on.

Mini Vacation and the curse of the purple sock

We had a nice little mini vacation to Gatlinburg, Tennessee. We left Saturday morning and got back Tuesday afternoon. Its only a 4 hour drive there so its not too bad of a car ride. I enjoyed a weekend of soaking in the jacuzzi, pina coladas and great food. DB cooked bacon and eggs with english muffins for me every morning for breakfast and he also grilled bbq chicken and baked sweet potatoes and corn on the cobb. he cooks because well, I suck at it and he's a great cook. he says he loves cooking for me but I would like to give him a night off once in a while. Good thing I'm going to marry a man that can cook because we surely would starve if the cooking was left up to me. We also went to Louisiana Sandwich Company and Bubba Gump Shrimp. We didn't really do much else other than go out to eat and go shopping. I got zero knitting done because he doesn't like it when I knit on his days off. he feels like it takes away from his tine with me, which it does. So I try and save my knitting time for when he works his rotation. We were sad to leave our lovely cabin "Paradise Vista" but we are going back to Gatlinburg in November for my birthday. Next time we're going to try and go to Dollywood and Ober Gatlinburg. It's been way too hot to go to Dollywood. Our summers are just way too humid in the south to be outside for most of the day.

We arrived back in Mooresville, North Carolina, just in time for me to make it to knit night at the coffee shop. I was itching to work on my socks because I had not touched them in 5 days. And boy did I get carried away. Once I got home and picked them up again I noticed that I had over shot the instep and when i tried it on the instep went way past my toes so I had to unknit about 20 rounds. Curse of the purple socks strikes again. I have cast on for these socks and frogged about 4 times, with this and another purple sock yarn. Either the patter is curse or all purple socks are cursed. Oh well, the first sock turned out OK. i am going to leave the toe stitches un kitchnered for now. so when i start knitting tomorrow i can kitchner the toe and cast one for the second sock so i can avoid the dreaded second sock syndrome.

I purchased some wool wash at the yarn store in Gatlinburg along with some Lamb's pride for future felting purposes (say that 5 times fast). I can't wait to get these babies washed. I love the Wildfoote, I have never used it before and I will definitely use it again. The price was reasonable, it was easy enough on my fingers, also the purple splendor color is grape koolaid yummy.

I also got to catch up on the True Blood from Sunday night that I missed. The cabin had HBO but my boyfriend has not been keeping up with it like I had and I also missed the 9 pm and 11:30 pm showings by 15 minutes each time. No way am I coming in in the middle of an episode. You never know who they offed in those 15 minutes. And I have to say O-M-Godric. Glad I waited to watch it while I was alone because wow. I think it was the best episode of the whole season.

DB also bought me a new frog for my cabinet and a new tie die shirt from the Happy Shack. Can't wait to go back to Gatlinburg. We always have a great time even though the friends that were supposed to go with us bailed on us at the last second. but it worked out great because we finally got to spend some quality time together.

Fortune cookie

We ate sushi and my fortune cookie said "a cheerful letter or message is on it's way to you". I thought that was really cool because I got a message the same day on ravelry that my new pen pal from Germany had written me and mailed the letter.

I went to a knitting group tonight, those ladies are so nice and smart, I just love them. I feel so much smarter by the time I leave. I am so glad that there weren't any party poppers tonight. I actually got to knit and enjoy myself and not have to worry about highschool drama.